Often when someone learns a new programming language, the first thing they do after downloading an IDE is make a simple program that prints "Hello world" to the console and then runs it to verify the compiler and environment is working properly.
I lead into this blog post this way because lately I feel like all I do is think about technical things at work, when what I really want to do is to somehow say "Hello world" to the world and have the world respond back with "Hello Micah, we know you're there, we are aware of your experience and that you try to do your best, you are a valid person". I know that the center of my faith and hope needs to be in Christ, but sometimes I just wish that the empathy I know Christ has for me could manifest in the form of humans more than it currently does.
I'm not saying that it doesn't, just that those experience are few and far between, and that I can't seem to rid myself of my need for them, in spite of how much I would like that to be the case. For me, feeling devoid of human connection is definitely one of my biggest trials in life. Everyone has major trials in this life, and everyone's trials and experience is different. Recognizing this makes me want to reach out to others and offer a listening ear, but I have to be careful not to project my own experience onto theirs.
Why does reaching out and finding human connection seem so daunting to me? Why do I feel paralyzed and unable to act? For longer than I can remember I have felt this way, and although I always come to the point of feeling like I can bear no more, either it brings me to me knees and finally humbles me (until the next time) or life happens and I get caught up in all of my many responsibilities (more often the case lately).
A significant portion of this has to do with my relationship, or lack thereof, with my spouse Sarah, but there is also a large part that is just my own paradigm. What no one can prepare you for before marriage is the possibility for incredible loneliness that can exist between two otherwise well-meaning individuals who love each other but have widely disparate views about what that means.
I know I'm not alone in feeling this way, but from what I can tell (or at least what data Google can educate me with), this dynamic is far more common with reversed gender assignments, i.e. well-meaning (but emotionally detached male) needs to maintain excessive emotional distance from a spouse seeking connection in the marriage. On the outside, everything seems perfectly fine, on the inside, hearts slowly break until each spouse has nothing left to give.
Although this is a rather extreme case, I would conjecture that a spectrum of this dynamic is experienced my a large portion of society (certainly Americans) and the LDS church. My question is then this, why in the course of me being married have discussions centered on how to apply the Gospel to these situations only been taught in a group setting once (this was also a voluntary class led by LDSFS and not part of church curriculum)?
I don't know the answers, only questions. In fact, that's the only reason I seem to be valuable at work, because I gravitate towards fundamental questions, it often leads to innovative solutions because it challenges the status quo. I'm not saying that I want to change the status quo of the church, I am just asking if this example and related marital challenges are a source of pain and frustration for many people, shouldn't we try to expound more on how to apply the Gospel to improve in these areas?
Wow, in writing this post I went from my sad state to my mad/motivated state. It's incredible to think that mad can be a more productive emotion than sad. I think the key is to utilize the motivation that it stimulates and then to allow the Atonement to dissipate the negative aspects. In a weird way I feel better just writing this, which leads me to another realization, maybe my need for human connection is in part just a need for understanding which comes by way of talking things through. So by talking things through via writing or "insert other expressive medium here", I can also arrive at understanding which partly satisfies the initial need.
Lastly, I want to leave work by 5:30 everyday to be home by 5:40. This morning I made that commitment, but somehow, as is usually the case, a lot of necessary work begs to be done between 5:30-5:45, and I didn't leave the office until 6:00. I set a reminder on my phone, but it didn't work, I know, technology always fails when you need it most. Anyways, maybe by writing my commitment down here I will hold myself to it.
- Micah
